Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
