first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
