I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
