I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
This is the high leading the old right now
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Randomize
