Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
