I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
