Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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