took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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