dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I woke up under a house in Key West
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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