when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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