I am spending my child support on dildos
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
