just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
