I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
