Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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