today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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