Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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