I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize