Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
