Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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