And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
There's always time for handjobs
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Randomize
