How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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