i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Semen is not good for contacts.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
