super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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