ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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