dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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