Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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