so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
