Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
