i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
