I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
