then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
