Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
