matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Randomize
