Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
should my penis look like a turkey
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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