literally had 100 drinks last night.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
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