The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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