Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
