I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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