I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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