wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
