Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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