we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
