2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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