Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
