i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
