so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
