I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
