I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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