He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
not ubering you a puppy
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
