yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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