You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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