Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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