Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
