Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
